Lula 3D PC DVD-ROM
Published by CDV Entertainment/KOCH Media
Release Date: 10th February 2006
Lula 3D, an introduction.
Surely this can't be true? Two point 'n' click adventure games in one week has to be a very unusual occurrence these days? Unlike the other adventure game we've reviewed this week, Agatha Christie: And Then There Were None, Lula 3D isn't based on a novel that's sold over 100 million copies. Fear not though as Lula 3D has 'Bouncin' Boob Technology' and begins on the set of a porn movie. Yes folks cheesy and sleazy are the order of the day and it's definitely a game for the long mackintosh brigade.
What's the game about?
You'll play as porn queen Lula who, at the beginning of the game, is about to shoot her latest porn flick at her Beverly Hills mansion. Before filming starts though, three of her cast, the triplets, disappear. After searching their room and the security videos it becomes obvious they've been kidnapped and Lula takes it upon herself to rescue the triplets. What follows is a poorly scripted, poorly executed adventure game that tries to get by on its virtual sex appeal rather than providing a quality gaming experience.
What's good about the game?
I daresay there's a market for this kind of game and there will be some who find the fact that Lula will actually use a dildo on herself (as well as others) a major selling factor. Those looking for a kind of interactive sexual experience will probably find something about Lula 3D that appeals to them. Looking at the game from purely a gamer's perspective (and not from the perspective of someone who is looking for virtual thrills) it's difficult to find any positives here unless you actually enjoy feeling like a pervert when someone passes by and sees you playing the game (oh, the shame).
What's not so good about the game?
The game is graphically quite poor and the 3D visuals here are very dated. Those hoping that the game might be some kind of virtual peep show will be bored with the virtual sex scenes in no time at all as they honestly just aren't that good. The adventure game aspects are also flawed. Interacting with objects can be a tricky business due to the fact that you have to stand in exactly the right place for the object text to appear so that you can press the left mouse button to interact with it. The animations for interacting with objects take too long. If Lula picks up something from a low surface, or the floor, she'll do a deliberately provocative animation that's fine the first time you see it, but eventually even the most sexually desperate out there will be annoyed by having to wait for the repetitive animations to complete. Lula also takes forever to get from one location to another. Even when running she seems to take an eternity, which is probably what happens when you put your main character in a pair of kinky, high-heeled boots. The puzzles are very easy and won't provide any challenge at all but then again if you're interested in Lula 3D it isn't for its puzzles is it? To top it all off the story is about as limp as you could hope for and doesn't really do anything to keep you playing.
How does it look?
For a game that's relying on you finding its characters sexually appealing, it doesn't look that good. The character models in particular are very disappointing. There are clipping issues galore and it's quite funny watching Lula pick up an object, placing it in her already overcrowded bra (which reminds me of that Ronnie Barker line about two bald-headed convicts trying to escape) and then watching item appear through her back before disappearing. As for the bouncin' boob technology, it's not all it's cracked up to be and nowhere near the standard set by Dead or Alive 3. The frame rate is also liable to dip from time to time which is crazy seeing as the highest resolution supported is 1024x768 and the graphics as a whole are extremely dated.
How deaf gamer friendly is the game?
Lula 3D isn't the most deaf gamer friendly title out there. The cutscenes aren't subtitled which does spoil your enjoyment (if you can call it that) of the story to a certain degree. Conversations are shown in text. Objectives are shown in text too and can be recalled at any time by pressing the tab key. The text uses a bold white font and is placed on a darkened overlay for clarity.
Lula 3D may be seen as a soft porn PC game but (if you'll pardon the pun) it's a bit of a cock-up when it comes to being an adventure game. Devoid of a decent story and decent adventure game mechanics, it soon becomes a chore to play. Yes there are those who'll find a perverse quality about it (and if you're that way inclined ignore the rating at the foot of this review) but people of that persuasion would do better to spend the £20 in an adult shop or spend their time typing a few choice words into Google. Lula 3D is all boobs, no brains and for that matter, looks way past her sell by date.
Overall Game Rating: 1.5/10
Deaf Gamers Classification:
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You could be corny and say that gamers have two big reasons for playing Lula 3D. However it's a case of more tat than tit in this polygonal porno.